If I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, Love is kind. It is not jealous, pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, they partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistincly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope and love remain, but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
This was part of the second reading at church today. We got all giddy because this past week, this entire scripture, chapters 13 and 14, was read by Allie. I like to pray on and ready Holy Scripture after we pray our rosary. The kids like to read it too, out loud. So Allie read this exact scripture to us this week and here it was.
These verses can be a real slap in the face to me. Of course I love my husband and children, however I do get quick tempered and certainly not patient. These are things I ask God to show me every day. I am a work in progress. I used to let the fact that mood disorder controlled every aspect of my life, including my parenting and wifely duties, define my very being. I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. Whenever I am uncertain of that, or seem to forget that I am loved, I open my Bible.
God has made promises to me. God is always there for me. He sent his one and only son for me! I am worthy of God's love, His mercy, His patience. No matter what I do, good or bad, God still loves me. If I do something wrong unintenionally, God still loves me and is gently with me. I need to remember that when raising my kids. Most of what they do that angers me is unintentional. They don't mean it.
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet, to the nations I appointed you.
Jeremiah 1:5
God knows each and every one of us. We are all His children. When we were baptized, He claimed us as His own. He knew our name before any other, he knew how many hairs we had on our head. He is definitely the kind of parent I want to be, loving, caring, merciful, patient, kind, a good listener, always there. If that is not the epitomy of love than I don't know what is.
Everyday, in my prayers, I ask God to show me patience and to show me Love. I need to learn to love myself more so I can love others...I think that's what is holding me back in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family and friends, but I think it can go much deeper than it is. That's what I need to work on.
So I leave you with this, even when we are less than perfect, when we make mistakes, God loves us more than we'll ever know. Do you let God's love into your heart?
Since the last time I posted, much has happened. I went to IOP (intensive Outpatient therapy) for about 3 weeks. I had to stop going due to the fact I don't have medical insurance. I was very sad about that because I found it was really helping. It's always helpful when I am around others like me in a group setting. I was mopey for about a week or two.
The summer went great. Lots of time at the beach...we went to the pool by mom and pops, which is always a blast. I was ready to for them to go back to school for the simple fact we needed the routine that is lacking in the summer. If it weren't for that, I'd keep them home forever!
Krista started Kindergarten this year! Now that it's February, she is reading all on her own!! I am so proud of her. She loves school so much she wants to live there LOL.
I'm feeling my moods be scattered all over the place, each moment unpredictable. I need to make an appt with Shay this week (I don't go until next week) and possibly even Dr. Kargman for a med adjustment. I just feel off and I feel like I'm frustrated and out of control all the time. Maybe I just need to take my ativan, 2 at a time morning, noon and night. Perhaps that will help.
Well, that's just a little update on me and where I am right now. Off to make another post on some thoughts I have.
It's been so so long since I've blogged. Life just got in the way. Honestly, though, I was in a pretty bad place.
I've been off of my bipolar meds since Markie was born, Aug of 2010. Things were going great for a while, lots of people were happy to see me off the meds. I didn't know why, but I went with it. I went off so I could nurse him. He didn't tolerate formula at all, even the expensive hypoallergenic stuff. That's where it all started.
I should know better than to go off of my meds. I've done it before and ended up in the same place.
About a month and a half ago, a depression hit. I spiralled downhill so fast, I couldn't get out of it. I have a few friends that were my rock during this time, always there if I needed to talk or cry. I thank God for them every day!
I prayed all day every day for an end to my suffering. I saw to purpose to my suffering. The mental anguish was just too much to bear! It was to the point I started drinking again, to numb the pain and feel good. Self-medicating. I had a problem with alcohol when Krista was a baby, a huge problem. One night though, there was an incident and I quit drinking, until this past month.
I go to a faith sharing/bible study group every Tuesday. After our meeting last week, my three friends cornered me in the most loving way, trying to get me to go to the hospital for help. They were so worried, because I just wanted the pain to stop, no matter the cost. Like I said, I was in a really bad place.
I didn't want to leave then and there which is what they insisted, but needed to come home to get some things in order before going. Problem was, hubby wasn't aware that I was that bad and I couldn't find the words to tell him. We traveled this same road 4 years ago, and I was just afraid.
As I was doing the dinner dishes, two police officers came to my front door. My heart sank, I thought something happened to my son. He was walking home from a friends house. Turns out, they were here for me. One of my dearest friends was so worried, she called them to come to me and take me to the hospital. She was so afraid that I and my husband would hate her! Imagine that, me hate someone!! Like that would ever happen. So the officers called an ambulance to take me.
I was in Brick until around 3am when I was transported to Jersey Shore. As a 2nd timer I knew what to expect. I was eager to start back up on meds and get stable. The days are filled with group therapies, and there is a 12 step meeting every night. It really was so beneficial to be there. It was where God needed me to be.
I prayed alot while I was there. One gal I became friends with prayed with me all the time. We just connected! And the kicker is, she lives her in Point!! Another gal who didn't speak to hardly anyone and never attended the groups, kept coming up to me asking if I'd pray with and for her!! Me!! I just felt as though God placed me there for her, to show her HIM and to show her HOPE. When I left she gave me a hug and said I was her angel and she loved me!
I came home today. I was anxious, I have a lot of ammends to make. I wrote a letter to the kids that I need to read to them tomorrow apologizing for how awful I've been this past month and a half. They do understand that I have a disease in my brain and I need medicine in order to function so that's a plus. Hubby talked to them about it when I went into the hospital.
It's great being home. I missed my family so so much! I get to see my awesome friends tomorrow morning for our last Tuesday morning group. There is hope though, as we will continue to get together.
Next week I start Intensive Outpatient therapy, 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. Seems like a lot, but I need to do what I need to do to get healthy, stable and stay out of the hospital. I'm scared but it will all work out. It's what I need to do for ME. If I'm not well, everyone I love suffers greatly too, not just me. And, everyone I love is worth far more than that!!
I'm so grateful for my friend who called. If she didn't, I might not be here. I am so blessed to have my friends and I make sure they know it! Their prayers, love and support are so amazing!!
So that's it in a nutshell. I hope to blog regularly now. I need to come up with a schedule for myself for waking and sleeping. I am awake now at this ungodly hour of 3:37am because I missed the window for sleep with my sleeping pill. Ugh...so until next time..GOD BLESS!!
My prayers were answered. I had big plans for this lent, but apparently, God had other plans for me. I tried to find soup kitchens locally to volunteer at, but I kept hitting dead ends. There really wasn't anything that I could find really local for the kids and I...so I took to prayer.
God kept putting a certain dear friend on my heart, constantly, so I knew, she was the one. She is going through a rough time right now, and to know that tonight, my children and I brought her and her mom joy, well, is beyond words.
I'm going to bed all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm not going to talk about what we did or didn't do, but I will say this...when we do for others out of the goodness of our hearts, our love of God shines through brighter than ever and we are blessed beyond measure. The joy just carried me through the evening like a hot air balloon through the sky.
The kids took part in something bigger than themselves, brought joy to someone who needed a smile, who needed to know that we care. They know what it's like to be selfless.
For that lesson I am thankful. It was a small random act that hopefully brought some happiness, hope and love to a dear friend and her mom.
I just remember, it's what we do in private that matters most to God....not like the hypocrites, who make a big show out of what they do (or did). What goes on within the "quiet room" that matters!
Lent is upon us, once again. I've been preparing for some time, thinking about and praying about what to do...because giving something up just missing the point, to some extent. Sure, I can give up chocolate or cake, I like chocolate and cake, but I don't LOVE chocolate and cake. Giving it up wouldn't really mean anything to me. Same for the kids...we need to do something instead of just giving up treats. They are at an age where they need to understand that Lent goes deeper than that.
We need to draw closer to God...be a steward! We hear kindness, love, compassion, love, oh, did I mention LOVE being preached every Sunday. That was the basis of Jesus' teachings. Hate the sin, LOVE the sinner. LOVE one another as I have LOVED you. Faith, hope and LOVE, but the greatest of these is LOVE.
It's so important so show our love of God to one another. So, I decided that the kids and I would volunteer somewhere, perhaps a soup kitchen. We were going to volunteer at a kitty rescue, but it fell through. They don't allow children to volunteer because of liability issues. I haven't told them that, because it would break their little hearts.
So, after much prayer, I decided what were are going to do. I'm going to see if we can "adopt" an elderly parishioner of our church, or someone in our community. We'll make dinner for said person every night, visit, do anything we can to brighten their lives. There are so many who are forgotten, lonely, sad, etc. If my kids and I can make a difference in one person's life this lenten season, than it's all worth it!
And this is not something that is only for lent, either. It's just a good time to start forming new relationships, taking care of others, showing Gods LOVE to others, through us. I want us to be His vessels. I love God so much, and I hope that other's see God's love in me.
After all, we are all His beloved!
I know it's been so long since I've blogged. It's been so crazy hectic here lately, but my priorities have definitely changed. Christmas was great, but I am still on the med after getting really sick the day after Christmas.
As for priorities, I'm not online that much anymore. I spend more time in prayer, and I try to go to mass daily if I can. By strengthening my faith and putting God first, good things are happening.
A dear friend of mine and I get together every Friday to pray the rosary together. It was great, but I found myself needing to pray more! So I would pray my rosary every day. Then Anna had a family gathering for CCD about 3 weeks ago. We made rosaries. It was that night, we turned out all the lights (except for the room we were in), turned off the tv and computers and prayed the rosary together as a family! We pray everynight together. It's been an amazing experience!
By getting closer to Mary, I'm getting closer to Jesus, therefore getting closer to my Heavenly Father. I ask her to help me be a better wife and mother. I ask her to help me get through my daily tasks, with a happy heart. But now that we are praying together as a family, there is more peace in my home. Of course, during prayer time, Satan is trying to ruin things, to get me to give it all up. It will not happen. The kids love to lead our prayers and they argue over who will lead, who will pray this prayer or that prayer. Makes me smile.
Our Lady is leading my family to holiness. During a sermon a couple of weeks ago, Fr Paul asked the congregation, "If you were on the stand being convicted of being a Christian, would you be convicted?" Really makes you think. It's what we do in private that matters. I'm as involved as I can be in my church, it's in the home wherein the struggle lies. But praying as a family is helping with that.
I was getting worried about our future, our spiritual future as a family. I'm doing all I can individually, but it didn't seem as though it was enough. I prayed and prayed, but realized there would be more power to my prayers if we were all together praying! "Where two or more gather in my name, I am there amongst them."
Anyway, there is hope for the future, for me, for my family. For that, I thank Mary, my mother. I know people who give Mary no second thought, because there is not much written about her in the bible, but I believe Jesus is God, therefore she is the Mother of God...mighty important in my book!
I'm not sure if anyone remembers the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. It was a heart wrenching movie and I highly recommend it (as a matter of fact, I do have a copy if anyone wants to borrow it). In the movie, the character is having trouble in his marriage. His dad gives him a book, The Love Dare. He reads this book and completes each dare, to make his marriage better, stronger, and to also deepen his relationsip with God. I won't give away the ending, so with that said, my dear friend lent me her copy of "The Love Dare" workbook.
I read the introduction and read for Day 1. It took all that I had not to read ahead and skim the entire book. I plan on taking it day by day. Because the book is not mine to write in, I'm going to blog about it, taking notes on what I've learned, what I've done and the results I see. I'm also putting a twist on this, because it's more geared towards husbands and wives. My husband and I have a pretty solid relationship and marriage. Things are really good (but hey, who can't use some improvement). So, I thought long and hard, and prayed and decided to go along with these dares in the book, extending them not only to my husband, but to my children as well. Days 1 & 2 worked out well.
Day one: Patience.
"Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will persue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships. That's a good starting point to demonstrate true love."
Isn't that the truth? Patience is very hard and I pray for it several times a day every single day. I have amazing patience with the husband, the kids, not so much. Here is the million dollar question:
How did I demonstrate patience? When something spilled all over the floor, I asked for help in cleaning it up instead of raising my voice saying "Come on really??" I spoke in a calm manner, I didn't stomp around when frustrated or angry. I kept my anger and frustration contained, so it couldn't be seen by the children.
What result did I see? Peacefullness in the house. There was little to no fighting between the kids. Everyone was calmer and more patient with each other.
Day 2: Kindness
"Kindess has 4 basic core ingredients: Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness and Initiative....You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness."
You know the saying "You hurt the ones you love the most". So true, yet so sad. You see, I have no problem being kind and helpful to others, but sometimes, when things are so chaotic and everything is going wrong at home, the kindness goes out the window. There is that saying "Charity begins at home". Another so true. A good tree will produce good fruit. I am the tree, my children are the fruit. My goal is to yield good fruit that will yield more good fruit and so on.
How was I kind? It was tough, but again, along with the patience, I didn't raise my voice, I spoke with enthusiasm, I gave extra hugs and kisses. I brought in the patience from the day before and the kindness just followed.
What was the result? Again, another day with much peace, love and kindness extending to other members of the family. The kids got along, they played nicely and hardly fought (only 1 incident)!! I noticed them doing sweet little kind things for one another all day long.
So far so good!! This Love Dare is great. I'm learning some great new things and I'm being held accountable for my actions. I made a promise to myself and to God that I was going to change me, change how I react to situations, change how I think about things, change the dynamic of my family, all my changing myself. I want a deeper relationship with Christ, and with His Holy Mother. I know, with their help, The Love Dare will be a success and the lessons will be something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
