Are They All Yours?

I get this question a lot...and I mean A LOT!  Through the years, I've come up with some pretty witty responses, from "Yes, they're all mine" to "No, they are on loan to me by God" along with "No, I just like taking 7 kids with me in the rain to get milk and bread".  I've never, at least not to my face, encountered negativity regarding my family size.  Really, no-one really has any right to say anything because we support our children.  We do not take advantage of government assistance programs, no one but husband and I raise our children.

No matter the number of children we have, whether it be 1, 3 or 10, we have our own sets of struggles.  I'm no hero or saint because I have 7 children close in age.  I lose my temper, I curse at times, I'm impatient often, I get short and yell at my kids.  I'm human.  Most new people I meet say "You must have the patience of a saint", in which I reply, "no more patience than you probably have".  I also hear "God bless you!", in which I proudly reply "He has and He does."  The truth of the matter for me is, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed each day if it weren't for my God.

I struggle.  I struggle a lot.  I have personal demons that I fight every day, and I fight darn hard to win.  I am unmedicated and I have bipolar.  When I announced I was going off of my meds so I could nurse the baby, my family was all "I'm so glad" "Thank goodness", etc.  I was slowly dying inside.  On my meds I am able to function in a stable manner.  I'm able to conquer situations in a different way than when off my meds.  I am able to show my children that stability, not some unknown.  I hate not knowing how my mood is going to shift every day.  I never know what kinds of situations will be thrown my way, and how I'm going to find the strength to deal with those situations.

I had a rough childhood.  I'm not going to go into that right now, but the point is, I'm trying to be different than those that were supposed to protect me.  I'm trying to give my children everything that lacked in my life at their age.  I get a lot of criticism, maybe not said directly, but I know it's there. 

The fact is, without God, without my prayers being said every day, I wouldn't be able to get through.  It is through Him that all things are possible.  I know God has a plan for me, a HUGE plan.  I don't know it, I don't understand it, but I know He will give me all I need in order to fulfill that plan. 

I've always wanted lots of kids, 12 to be exact.  I have 7.  Being the only girl out of 6, I prayed my entire life for a sister.  When I knew that wasn't meant to be, I prayed for daughters.  With 2 boys and 5 girls, my prayers were answered.  I'm very happy with what I have, with the number of my children, with each individual child.  I wouldn't change a thing.  I hear others say "I can't handle the 2 I have" or "I'm so done" or "I've always wanted another child, but it never happened."  We all have our own individual  struggles in our journey of life.  Just because I have 7 doesn't make my struggles any greater or harder than a mom with 1 or 2 kids.  It's just...different.

As for am I done?  Well, I know one thing.  No matter my answer, there will be criticism.  I still don't have the feeling of being absolutely done.  God has a plan for me.  If that includes more children, well then, that's what it will be.  If not, I'm perfectly thankful and blessed for what I have been given.