I Know, I Know

It's been so so long since I've blogged.  Life just got in the way.  Honestly, though, I was in a pretty bad place.

I've been off of my bipolar meds since Markie was born, Aug of 2010.  Things were going great for a while, lots of people were happy to see me off the meds.  I didn't know why, but I went with it.  I went off so I could nurse him.  He didn't tolerate formula at all, even the expensive hypoallergenic stuff.  That's where it all started.

I should know better than to go off of my meds.  I've done it before and ended up in the same place.

About a month and a half ago, a depression hit.  I spiralled downhill so fast, I couldn't get out of it.  I have a few friends that were my rock during this time, always there if I needed to talk or cry.  I thank God for them every day!

I prayed all day every day for an end to my suffering.  I saw to purpose to my suffering.  The mental anguish was just too much to bear!  It was to the point I started drinking again, to numb the pain and feel good.  Self-medicating.  I had a problem with alcohol when Krista was a baby, a huge problem.  One night though, there was an incident and I quit drinking, until this past month.

I go to a faith sharing/bible study group every Tuesday.  After our meeting last week, my three friends cornered me in the most loving way, trying to get me to go to the hospital for help.  They were so worried, because I just wanted the pain to stop, no matter the cost.  Like I said, I was in a really bad place.

I didn't want to leave then and there which is what they insisted, but needed to come home to get some things in order before going.  Problem was, hubby wasn't aware that I was that bad and I couldn't find the words to tell him.  We traveled this same road 4 years ago, and I was just afraid.

As I was doing the dinner dishes, two police officers came to my front door.  My heart sank, I thought something happened to my son.  He was walking home from a friends house.  Turns out, they were here for me.  One of my dearest friends was so worried, she called them to come to me and take me to the hospital.  She was so afraid that I and my husband would hate her!  Imagine that, me hate someone!!  Like that would ever happen.  So the officers called an ambulance to take me.

I was in Brick until around 3am when I was transported to Jersey Shore.  As a 2nd timer I knew what to expect.  I was eager to start back up on meds and get stable.  The days are filled with group therapies, and there is a 12 step meeting every night.  It really was so beneficial to be there.  It was where God needed me to be. 

I prayed alot while I was there.  One gal I became friends with prayed with me all the time.  We just connected!  And the kicker is, she lives her in Point!!  Another gal who didn't speak to hardly anyone and never attended the groups, kept coming up to me asking if I'd pray with and for her!!  Me!!  I just felt as though God placed me there for her, to show her HIM and to show her HOPE.  When I left she gave me a hug and said I was her angel and she loved me!

I came home today.  I was anxious, I have a lot of ammends to make.  I wrote a letter to the kids that I need to read to them tomorrow apologizing for how awful I've been this past month and a half.  They do understand that I have a disease in my brain and I need medicine in order to function so that's a plus.  Hubby talked to them about it when I went into the hospital.

It's great being home.  I missed my family so so much!  I get to see my awesome friends tomorrow morning for our last Tuesday morning group.  There is hope though, as we will continue to get together. 

Next week I start Intensive Outpatient therapy, 3 hours a day, 3 days a week.  Seems like a lot, but I need to do what I need to do to get healthy, stable and stay out of the hospital.  I'm scared but it will all work out.  It's what I need to do for ME.  If I'm not well, everyone I love suffers greatly too, not just me.  And, everyone I love is worth far more than that!!

I'm so grateful for my friend who called.  If she didn't, I might not be here.  I am so blessed to have my friends and I make sure they know it!  Their prayers, love and support are so amazing!!

So that's it in a nutshell.  I hope to blog regularly now.  I need to come up with a schedule for myself for waking and sleeping.  I am awake now at this ungodly hour of 3:37am because I missed the window for sleep with my sleeping pill.  Ugh...so until next time..GOD BLESS!!

Warm and Fuzzy Inside

My prayers were answered.  I had big plans for this lent, but apparently, God had other plans for me.  I tried to find soup kitchens locally to volunteer at, but I kept hitting dead ends.  There really wasn't anything that I could find really local for the kids and I...so I took to prayer.

God kept putting a certain dear friend on my heart, constantly, so I knew, she was the one.  She is going through a rough time right now, and to know that tonight, my children and I brought her and her mom joy, well, is beyond words.

I'm going to bed all warm and fuzzy inside.  I'm not going to talk about what we did or didn't do, but I will say this...when we do for others out of the goodness of our hearts, our love of God shines through brighter than ever and we are blessed beyond measure.  The joy just carried me through the evening like a hot air balloon through the sky.

The kids took part in something bigger than themselves, brought joy to someone who needed a smile, who needed to know that we care.  They know what it's like to be selfless.

For that lesson I am thankful.  It was a small random act that hopefully brought some happiness, hope and love to a dear friend and her mom.

I just remember, it's what we do in private that matters most to God....not like the hypocrites, who make a big show out of what they do (or did).  What goes on within the "quiet room" that matters!

My Lenten Plans

Lent is upon us, once again.  I've been preparing for some time, thinking about and praying about what to do...because giving something up just missing the point, to some extent.  Sure, I can give up chocolate or cake, I like chocolate and cake, but I don't LOVE chocolate and cake.  Giving it up wouldn't really mean anything to me.  Same for the kids...we need to do something instead of just giving up treats.  They are at an age where they need to understand that Lent goes deeper than that.

We need to draw closer to God...be a steward!  We hear kindness, love, compassion, love, oh, did I mention LOVE being preached every Sunday.  That was the basis of Jesus' teachings.  Hate the sin, LOVE the sinner.  LOVE one another as I have LOVED you.  Faith, hope and LOVE, but the greatest of these is LOVE.

It's so important so show our love of God to one another.  So, I decided that the kids and I would volunteer somewhere, perhaps a soup kitchen.  We were going to volunteer at a kitty rescue, but it fell through.  They don't allow children to volunteer because of liability issues.  I haven't told them that, because it would break their little hearts.

So, after much prayer, I decided what were are going to do.  I'm going to see if we can "adopt" an elderly parishioner of our church, or someone in our community.  We'll make dinner for said person every night, visit, do anything we can to brighten their lives.  There are so many who are forgotten, lonely, sad, etc.  If my kids and I can make a difference in one person's life this lenten season, than it's all worth it!

And this is not something that is only for lent, either.  It's just a good time to start forming new relationships, taking care of others, showing Gods LOVE to others, through us.  I want us to be His vessels.  I love God so much, and I hope that other's see God's love in me. 

After all, we are all His beloved!

Hope

I know it's been so long since I've blogged.  It's been so crazy hectic here lately, but my priorities have definitely changed.  Christmas was great, but I am still on the med after getting really sick the day after Christmas. 

As for priorities, I'm not online that much anymore.  I spend more time in prayer, and I try to go to mass daily if I can.  By strengthening my faith and putting God first, good things are happening.

A dear friend of mine and I get together every Friday to pray the rosary together.  It was great, but I found myself needing to pray more!  So I would pray my rosary every day.  Then Anna had a family gathering for CCD about 3 weeks ago.  We made rosaries.  It was that night, we turned out all the lights (except for the room we were in), turned off the tv and computers and prayed the rosary together as a family!  We pray everynight together.  It's been an amazing experience!

By getting closer to Mary, I'm getting closer to Jesus, therefore getting closer to my Heavenly Father.  I ask her to help me be a better wife and mother.  I ask her to help me get through my daily tasks, with a happy heart.  But now that we are praying together as a family, there is more peace in my home.  Of course, during prayer time, Satan is trying to ruin things, to get me to give it all up.  It will not happen.  The kids love to lead our prayers and they argue over who will lead, who will pray this prayer or that prayer.  Makes me smile.

Our Lady is leading my family to holiness.  During a sermon a couple of weeks ago, Fr Paul asked the congregation, "If you were on the stand being convicted of being a Christian, would you be convicted?"  Really makes you think.  It's what we do in private that matters.  I'm as involved as I can be in my church, it's in the home wherein the struggle lies.  But praying as a family is helping with that.

I was getting worried about our future, our spiritual future as a family.  I'm doing all I can individually, but it didn't seem as though it was enough.  I prayed and prayed, but realized there would be more power to my prayers if we were all together praying!  "Where two or more gather in my name, I am there amongst them." 

Anyway, there is hope for the future, for me, for my family.  For that, I thank Mary, my mother.  I know people who give Mary no second thought, because there is not much written about her in the bible, but I believe Jesus is God, therefore she is the Mother of God...mighty important in my book!