It's been so so long since I've blogged. Life just got in the way. Honestly, though, I was in a pretty bad place.
I've been off of my bipolar meds since Markie was born, Aug of 2010. Things were going great for a while, lots of people were happy to see me off the meds. I didn't know why, but I went with it. I went off so I could nurse him. He didn't tolerate formula at all, even the expensive hypoallergenic stuff. That's where it all started.
I should know better than to go off of my meds. I've done it before and ended up in the same place.
About a month and a half ago, a depression hit. I spiralled downhill so fast, I couldn't get out of it. I have a few friends that were my rock during this time, always there if I needed to talk or cry. I thank God for them every day!
I prayed all day every day for an end to my suffering. I saw to purpose to my suffering. The mental anguish was just too much to bear! It was to the point I started drinking again, to numb the pain and feel good. Self-medicating. I had a problem with alcohol when Krista was a baby, a huge problem. One night though, there was an incident and I quit drinking, until this past month.
I go to a faith sharing/bible study group every Tuesday. After our meeting last week, my three friends cornered me in the most loving way, trying to get me to go to the hospital for help. They were so worried, because I just wanted the pain to stop, no matter the cost. Like I said, I was in a really bad place.
I didn't want to leave then and there which is what they insisted, but needed to come home to get some things in order before going. Problem was, hubby wasn't aware that I was that bad and I couldn't find the words to tell him. We traveled this same road 4 years ago, and I was just afraid.
As I was doing the dinner dishes, two police officers came to my front door. My heart sank, I thought something happened to my son. He was walking home from a friends house. Turns out, they were here for me. One of my dearest friends was so worried, she called them to come to me and take me to the hospital. She was so afraid that I and my husband would hate her! Imagine that, me hate someone!! Like that would ever happen. So the officers called an ambulance to take me.
I was in Brick until around 3am when I was transported to Jersey Shore. As a 2nd timer I knew what to expect. I was eager to start back up on meds and get stable. The days are filled with group therapies, and there is a 12 step meeting every night. It really was so beneficial to be there. It was where God needed me to be.
I prayed alot while I was there. One gal I became friends with prayed with me all the time. We just connected! And the kicker is, she lives her in Point!! Another gal who didn't speak to hardly anyone and never attended the groups, kept coming up to me asking if I'd pray with and for her!! Me!! I just felt as though God placed me there for her, to show her HIM and to show her HOPE. When I left she gave me a hug and said I was her angel and she loved me!
I came home today. I was anxious, I have a lot of ammends to make. I wrote a letter to the kids that I need to read to them tomorrow apologizing for how awful I've been this past month and a half. They do understand that I have a disease in my brain and I need medicine in order to function so that's a plus. Hubby talked to them about it when I went into the hospital.
It's great being home. I missed my family so so much! I get to see my awesome friends tomorrow morning for our last Tuesday morning group. There is hope though, as we will continue to get together.
Next week I start Intensive Outpatient therapy, 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. Seems like a lot, but I need to do what I need to do to get healthy, stable and stay out of the hospital. I'm scared but it will all work out. It's what I need to do for ME. If I'm not well, everyone I love suffers greatly too, not just me. And, everyone I love is worth far more than that!!
I'm so grateful for my friend who called. If she didn't, I might not be here. I am so blessed to have my friends and I make sure they know it! Their prayers, love and support are so amazing!!
So that's it in a nutshell. I hope to blog regularly now. I need to come up with a schedule for myself for waking and sleeping. I am awake now at this ungodly hour of 3:37am because I missed the window for sleep with my sleeping pill. Ugh...so until next time..GOD BLESS!!
